October 15th

Each year we attend the Remembrance Ceremony for lost babies at Portland Adventist Medical Center. I so totally didn't want to attend last night! I cried and dug in my heels. That's a funny story, though, because as I was crying and refusing to attend the ceremony, I was driving the car toward the hospital. Nate got back late from work so we met up at his parents' house where I dropped the girls off and he changed out of his work clothes. I heated up his dinner and we got in the Volvo to make the 10 minute drive up the freeway to the hospital. He ate and I drove.

He was more than willing to do with me whatever I needed to do, whether that was attend the ceremony or bail on it completely and do something different. We were still talking about whether or not to attend when we parked the car, walked into the hospital, got lost finding the ceremony, and then stumbled upon it in an open lobby.

Nate wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret not going. I was so conflicted but we attended anyway...And I'm so glad we did.

The hardest thing about the ceremony is always connecting with other parents who've lost babies but who don't have any hope of seeing their kiddo again. That leaves me so sad and heartbroken. The hope I have of seeing Nathaniel again someday is what makes the loss of him so much easier to get through. I know right where he is and I know that someday it'll be time for me meet him, in full and perfect health.

The best thing about the Remembrance Ceremony is hearing Nathaniel's name. I love that other people remember him. Lorrie called out his name at the ceremony last night and it warmed me from the middle outward. I honestly think that she is as excited to meet him someday as I am! (She was our day nurse and grief nurse during our stay at the hospital when Nathaniel died and was delivered.)

Going to the ceremony definitely makes me want to hug my girls closer. I'm glad that we attended last night. I always think that the next year will "be better," emotionally speaking, but it continues to be tough. Ah well, maybe next year will be better...

To sign off, here's a picture of my littlest one (or two pictures - couldn't resist).

1 comment:

rae ann said...

i'm SO GLAD you went! you needed to do that and i think you knew it deep down. it's so good that you have a little community to remember nathaniel and celebrate the fact that he was here and he is yours.

now, that little pip has to be the damned cutest thing i've seen all morning. the pics make me miss you all like mad... and i just saw you last week. please move next door to me.