NMB

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. 

  - Robert Frost

NMB

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
                                     –Author Unknown

NMB

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and the day before that, too.
We think of you in silence,
We often say your name,
But all we have is memories
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we’ll never part.
God has you in his keeping,
We have you in our hearts.

We shed tears for what might have been,
a million times we’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we  love you still,
In our hearts you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you.
                – Author Unknown

NMB

A thousand words can’t bring you back,
I know because I tried;
And neither can a million tears
I know because I cried.
~Author Unknown

NMB

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we
don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t 

live without but haveto let go. 

-  Author Unknown

NMB

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since “men don’t cry”

and “men are strong.”

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test,

And field the calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s all right

And what she is going through.

But seldom do they take his hand,

“My friend, but how are you?”

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But “stays strong” for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew

And try to be so very brave -

He lost his baby, too.

(Author Unknown)

NMB

When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to 

step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of 

two things will happen:  There will be something solid to stand on 

or you will be taught to fly.  

– Author Unknown

NMB

Dream

I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,

Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.

I trim the grass around his marker,

And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.

I place flowers in his vase,

And dream of placing kisses on his check.

I hold his memory dear to my heart,

And dream of holding him in my arms.

                                                             -   Author unknown

NMB

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

                                            – Author Unknown

There is only one thing worse than speaking ill of the dead –

and that is not speaking of the dead at all.

                              — Anonymous

NMB

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. 

 - Elizabeth Stone

Piper's Dedication

We had Piper dedicated at church this past Sunday, March 13th. It was a special, special day for us. Nathaniel was due on March 13, 2008. Since his passing, March has held a special place in my heart. We found out we were pregnant with Hazel on St. Patrick's Day 2008. She was dedicated the following March (she was just shy of 4 months at the time). Piper was dedicated on Nathaniel's missed due date. It was such a wonderful blessing!

Dad took the video posted way down below for us, so a huge thanks goes to him, otherwise we wouldn't have any picture documentation of the event. (Where the crap is my camera? Seriously. I've cleaned this great room through and through, several times over, and I have yet to find it. Or my Danskos. And that just makes me even more mad. I can't talk about it anymore.)


Following the service, friends and family joined us at Macaroni Grill at Bridgeport. We had such a fun time chatting with loved ones! Piper melted down (she'd missed two naps by this point), and Karen was so kind - she walked her around and around the restaurant until Piper Sue fell asleep on her shoulder. Grandmas are the best. Seriously.

We raced home after lunch to drop the girls off with Rick and Karen. (Again, grandparents rock.) Nate and I grabbed coats, boots, and umbrellas and fairly flew to the renovation show going on in Portland. Well, we didn't really fly. Nate has much more respect for the law than I do (when it comes to speed limits, that is), so he drove. We got there with half an hour left of the show. We were given tickets to get in, so it was extra fun, being free and all.


We got through it in 30 minutes. Not because we had to but because there wasn't anything there that actually interested us. It should be retitled "The Portland Hot Tub/Jacuzzi/Roofing/Welded Art/Mary Kay/Wine/Window Treatment Show." I think that suits what we saw very well.


After the show, Nate and I took a quick jaunt into downtown and saw my Starbucks manager's new store (11th and Couch). We swung over to Pioneer Square and tried the Clover version of Kona coffee at the Starbucks there. I wish I'd tried something like Pike's Place, so that I could have really tasted the difference in flavor. Ah well. It'll only take me two years to get Nate over there again.


After we had our coffee, Nate had the brilliant idea that we go to Academy Theater for a cheap movie. He called his mom and she said that was just fine. We saw "The Fighter," which I'd been avoiding watching. I'm not a huge fan of movies that deal with drug addiction and I can barely stomach boxing. Such a good combination for two actors I love. (Sarcasm galore right then.) Nate thought that when he suggested the movie he was a super cool husband: He wanted to see the movie but he was also willing to sacrifice my attention since I'm usually insanely distracted when Christian Bale is within sight.


I hurt Nate's hand watching the movie. I really enjoyed it when all is said and done, and only because it had a good ending. I love that they had a clip of the actual brothers interacting during the closing credits. Christian Bail nailed it. He played his role in perfect imitation of the real life guy. Amazing.


Back to my kid.


Piper's bum is finally healing. Wait, have I even mentioned this? (I'll answer that: No, because I'm a terrible blogger when it comes to consistency.)

She began teething, eating solids, and trying out a new diaper all on the same day. By the next afternoon, she had this ripping diaper rash. I broke out the big guns right away, my Bag Balm and Triple Paste. After using that for a week solid, I called the pediatrician's office because the rash was getting worse. It was developing into open sores that were oozing, and a rough patch that began within the bounds of her diaper started spreading outward, toward her thighs.

It was suggested that I try using Lotrimin AF for another few days to see if that would clear it up (and it would have if it had been a yeast infection). It slowed down the rash a little bit, but didn't put a stop to it. Things continued to slide steadily downhill.

I took her in to see Dr. Mooney a couple days later. The good doc took a swab of icky from one of the sores and then prescribed a topical antibiotic and extra strong hydrocortisone. I've been switching between the two with every diaper change since last Thursday and things are looking up! Her bum is greatly improved and she's no longer uncomfortable. We still have a little ways to go yet, but I'm hopeful. The lab returned a positive on a topical bacterial staff infection. And that's all I know. I have no idea where she got it, how she got it, what I did wrong, etcetera. I need to get ahold of Dr. Mooney to hear back on those finer details. For now, the topical creams are cleaning up the infection, so we're on the right path. We're not going to use an oral antibiotic unless things hit a stand-still.

Okay, Nate is drumming his fingers. Waiting for me to be finished with this blog so that we can relax before bedtime.

So enjoy the video!

I am so in love with my sweet little girl!

September 28, 2010

It's interesting me that we passed by the 28th of September again. Three years. We made our family visit to Nathaniel's gravesite, but Hazel fell asleep in her carseat. It was a tough few days, with unexpected bouts of emotion that had a tendency to spring without much intro.

I didn't take our usual picture of the gravestone. How many times does it change once it's laid in the ground? The grass might be different but that's it.

I did take pictures of the family, though. Is it weird to say we celebrated our life as a family as we visited Nathaniel at his gravesite? Piper was pretty new to our little unit and we felt so blessed by her health and very presence in our lives.

Whenever we visit the cemetery, we think back on our birth experiences and what each has meant to us/how it has impacted our lives and our marriage. Nathaniel's sucked but it has an incredible, God-given glow around it when I think about it; Hazel's just sucked and following it I had two bad birth experiences I had to grieve through before Piper was born. Piper's delivery was very planned, but that didn't cut the anxiety I experienced over the unknown.

When we returned from the hospital following Nathaniel's birth, we were covered in love. I'll never, ever forget that. We were enveloped in love from so many friends and family who rallied around us. Meals were delivered, flowers were sent, out-of-town family flew in or drove to be with us for the funeral. Nate and I were cocooned in our home, swimming in cards of sympathy, humor, and love. I've just used the word "love" an incredible number of times in a very short paragraph, but that's definitely the defining emotion attached to our hilltop experience with Nathaniel's death and birth.

And then I became pregnant with Hazel a few months later. I was put on bedrest at 27 weeks. Again family and friends rallied. We were covered in prayer and Hazel was delivered a day after her due date via c-section after a ridiculous labor. I felt like a failure twice over.

But here she is! My healthy, happy kiddo! As Piper's delivery crept closer and closer I realized I had to seriously deal with some of my wayward thinking regarding my previous two deliveries.


By the time Piper made her appearance (planned as it was), I had recovered my focus and right-thinking. And I knew it. All along I knew it: When we found out we were pregnant with her, we were just entering the most difficult period of our lives. I had this sneaking suspicion that by the time I finally had her, God would be doing something very different in our lives.

That's part of the reason why I picked her name. Piper refers to piping, and that made me think of music and celebration and worshiping and thanking God for...well, everything. And I feel so right about that. I feel like so much has changed since Piper's birth. I feel like some sort of corner has been turned. Not that we're clear of the woods quite yet, but I feel like God is so clear in front of me. He has this incredible plan and I have the privilege of seeing it unfolding right before my very eyes. Maybe His gift (couple with a health Piper being born) was to bring some clarity to my eyes. I feel as though I can see so much more when I examine my surroundings.

My kids are all gifts. They blow my mind. It's mind-blowing how much the girls have changed since these pictures were taken. I felt as though it took for.ev.er for Hazel to hit six months, but time is flying with Piper Sue.

So this last year, as we revisited our experience with Nathaniel, Nate and I couldn't help but feel lucky. And so very blessed.

October 15th

Each year we attend the Remembrance Ceremony for lost babies at Portland Adventist Medical Center. I so totally didn't want to attend last night! I cried and dug in my heels. That's a funny story, though, because as I was crying and refusing to attend the ceremony, I was driving the car toward the hospital. Nate got back late from work so we met up at his parents' house where I dropped the girls off and he changed out of his work clothes. I heated up his dinner and we got in the Volvo to make the 10 minute drive up the freeway to the hospital. He ate and I drove.

He was more than willing to do with me whatever I needed to do, whether that was attend the ceremony or bail on it completely and do something different. We were still talking about whether or not to attend when we parked the car, walked into the hospital, got lost finding the ceremony, and then stumbled upon it in an open lobby.

Nate wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret not going. I was so conflicted but we attended anyway...And I'm so glad we did.

The hardest thing about the ceremony is always connecting with other parents who've lost babies but who don't have any hope of seeing their kiddo again. That leaves me so sad and heartbroken. The hope I have of seeing Nathaniel again someday is what makes the loss of him so much easier to get through. I know right where he is and I know that someday it'll be time for me meet him, in full and perfect health.

The best thing about the Remembrance Ceremony is hearing Nathaniel's name. I love that other people remember him. Lorrie called out his name at the ceremony last night and it warmed me from the middle outward. I honestly think that she is as excited to meet him someday as I am! (She was our day nurse and grief nurse during our stay at the hospital when Nathaniel died and was delivered.)

Going to the ceremony definitely makes me want to hug my girls closer. I'm glad that we attended last night. I always think that the next year will "be better," emotionally speaking, but it continues to be tough. Ah well, maybe next year will be better...

To sign off, here's a picture of my littlest one (or two pictures - couldn't resist).

Another anniversary.

We left Hazel with Rick and Karen and took off for Twin Rocks Friends Camp on Friday, March 12th. It is incredible how much less I had to pack for just Nate and I...

We took our time leaving the city, running errands on our way to the coast. We checked in around 9pm and I craved bed immediately. We emptied the truck of our bags and coolers quickly and then went to bed.

On Saturday, we spent the morning reading (I napped, too) before heading toward Cannon Beach. We decided to keep this trip pretty simple, just hitting up the places we are most familiar with. On the drive I called Rick to check in and see how things were going with Hazel. I had to laugh at what he told me: Rick said that Hazel had made sounds throughout the night and every time she did, he got her up, like out of bed to play with toys. He was exhausted, as was Hazel, because they had spent so much of the night playing in the living room! I told him he might have just set himself up for trouble.

Cannon Beach was packed with people from all over - turns out that our weekend to celebrate Nathaniel's due date (3rd anniversary) was also a wine tasting tour weekend! It was okay, though - the little town was super busy but there was a ton of good parking because most of the tourists had been shuttled in.

Down on the beach I found a great stick to write in the sand with, so I took some time to try it out. As soon as Nate saw me writing this message, he took off - apparently I embarrassed him...So I snapped this picture of him fleeing the scene of my silliness:

So we wandered the beach, ate lunch at our favorite pub in Cannon Beach (truth be told, the only pub), had coffee at the Sleepy Monk, and then headed back to our little cabin for the night. We had dinner and watched a few episodes of "30 Rock" before finally being tired enough to go to sleep.

On Sunday we started the day of fairly slow again: Nate read and I napped (all that extra sleep was marvelous - even though my morning sickness seems to be diminishing, I'm still so tired). He woke me up around 11 so that we could pack up and head back home. We loaded up the truck and then parked at the camp entrance; we crossed the pedestrian bridge over Hwy 101 and walked to Twin Rocks beach. Ready for this? It's my 18 week pregnancy picture:

I'm wearing a thick sweater but I think the baby bump is still plenty visible. There hasn't been a real moment of "popping" like I experienced with Hazel (17 weeks, in Exeter, California, the morning of my cousin's wedding), but more of just a thickening and then "plumping" outward. I'm very much in the I-feel-fat stage, but I think that things will begin to change fairly drastically pretty soon. This kiddo is getting bigger by the day!

Speaking of the kiddo...

We found out yesterday at my 20.5 week ultrasound. Wahoo! We're pretty stinking excited! I can hardly believe we're already this far along - it's crazy how quickly time is beginning to pass.

Nate and I drove from Twin Rocks to Cannon Beach for more Sleepy Monk coffee (it's just that good). We tried to take a good beach picture of ourselves with Haystack Rock in the background, but, alas, no real luck. Here's what we did end up with, though:


Very typical beach self-portraits!

Nate wanted to finish our trip with a lunch at our favorite seafood place at the coast, so he treated me to fried deliciousness! I can't usually say that - my stomach does not handle fish and chips well, except from Ecola Seafood and Restaurant! I don't know what they do differently but it doesn't make me feel sick for hours afterward.

We got to Rick and Karen's just in time to pick up Hazel and get her home to bed. It was so wonderful to walk through their front door and have her squeal at the sight of us! She was so excited! She wanted to show us everything she'd been playing with. When we got home, she was asleep in no time. Nate and I were able to unpack and decompress before bed.

Even though I was a bit emotional on Nathaniel's due date, it was so good to be at the beach. It was so fresh there that I just stood on the sand and breathed as deeply as I could for as long as possible. It was invigorating and renewing. Nate and I treasure our time together every day, but there's something to be said about our special beach getaways. We've been so swamped lately that this trip shone as a wonderful reminder of what good friends we are, besides being husband and wife. Oh man, how I love him.

Found some stuff.

Here is a video from Magone. It's cute, so I'm posting it. Hazel had just woken up from her nap and we were beginning to pack up camp. She's ruffled from her sleep, but oh so cute.



And here are a couple parting shots from Magone Lake:



Here are a few pictures from Nathaniel's birthday. I didn't have them loaded when I wrote his post awhile ago (let's be honest: it's been a month).



I'm currently working on a couple more posts, so those will be up soon! Hallelujah!

Year 2 Anniversary

Oh it sucked. I'll be honest.

Monday, September 28th was bitter bitter bitter. I really thought that this year would actually be an improvement on last year, which wasn't good, but it was also easier than I had expected. This year was so very hard.

I'd been pretty rocky and emotional for about a week leading up to it. I hadn't made the connection between my emotional state and Nathaniel's birth anniversary, though, until September 25th rolled around. Then it hit me - everything clicked into place.

I woke up crying the morning of the 28th and only took occasional breaks from that throughout the day. It was so long and hard. People (who hadn't lost a child, mind you) had told me that having a healthy baby would make our loss of Nathaniel easier to bear. All lies. I cried even harder when I first saw Hazel that morning. She's a solid, daily reminder of what Nathaniel could have been like if he'd been healthy and lived. But then I become confused because if he had lived, Hazel would never have existed.

To top that confusion off, I'd felt a huge emptiness in my relationship with God since Hazel's traumatic birth; such a difference from the closeness that came following Nathaniel's even more traumatic birth. That loneliness threatened to overwhelm me on this last anniversary.

God has gotten my ear since then, though. He's drawing me back, and it's a daily submission on my part, but it's so good to know He's close and He cares. He carried me through that tough day and made October 2nd (the day we buried Nathaniel two years ago) pass by in a blink. He pulled me up out of that overwhelming state and I can praise Him for that.

Last night Nate and I attended the Baby Remembrance ceremony (for Infant Loss and Awareness Day) at Portland Adventist Medical Center. It was good to be back and remember Nathaniel. I love LOVE when they say his name aloud. They call each baby's name and place a leaf on a tree. The tree this year was covered with leaves - it was so sad and sobering.

Remember Lorrie Leno? She was the grief nurse that spent days with me during Nathaniel's labor and delivery. She organizes this event each year. Last year she asked me to read a poem, but because of bed rest I wasn't even sure I'd be able to attend. She asked again this year and so I said yes (and butchered the reading of the poem, by the way - goldfish, goldfinch, what's the difference). It was good to be involved, but I'm a nervous person in front of a crowd of strangers. She introduced me and shared a little bit about how we'd initially gotten to know each other, and I cried. It's one thing to be the person who brings it up all the time, to be the one reminding others of Nathaniel's very existence, but it's a whole new ball of wax when it's someone else remembering him to me.

(By the way, Lorrie, next year I'll actually eat a piece of your fudge! I got sidetracked talking with Peggy and missed my opportunity before it was all packed away! Nate said it was excellent, though.)

So we've made it through another year. It's ridiculous how time has flown by. We took a bouquet (gifted to Nathaniel by Amy at New Seasons, that wonderful woman) to Nathaniel's grave and talked with Hazel about him. She's too young to understand yet, but I want her to know she has an older brother waiting to meet her in heaven. I picture him there, as a healthy and whole man, like he should have been if everything had been perfect. I look forward to the day when I can meet him face to face and hold his hand. I think he'll know me. That's a hope I hold on to anyway.

I am so incredibly, eternally grateful for Hazel and her health. She's such a marvelous little person! She finally began crawling her little heart out. I'm so proud of her! She followed me around the house on hands and knees today.

Thinking through our loss of Nathaniel is so sad and difficult, but then I think of Hazel and I feel such pleasure. It's a strange thing to experience all these emotions at once. They seem so at odds. I'm so glad the day has passed. I feel some relief. And I'm blown away by how many women I know who are pregnant! Last count, sixteen. Can you believe it? What joy!

Memorial Day

I snapped a couple pictures with my phone when we stopped by Nathaniel's grave yesterday. We stopped by New Seasons and put together such a beautiful bouquet! Okay, so we picked out the flowers but someone else arranged it - I'm just not that talented.


When Hazel started pulling the grass around the headstone up by the roots, we knew it was time to go :)


Hope you all enjoyed your long weekend!

A smattering of events.

First, a very nice cleaning and paint job was done at our new house! We had Stephen helping Nate practically every day to finish the paint job by the time we had a crew in to clean. Things looked so pristine before we moved in - it was amazing and we are so grateful for all the help we had, both cleaning and moving. The before and after pictures are so different...




Second, Maggie was born, a much looked forward to event! Of course, you can't tell from Hazel's expression. Congratulations to friends Adam and Julia!





Third, Nathaniel's due date sprang up on us; March 13th marked year two of his missed due date. We visited his grave with Hazel after picking up some flowers from New Seasons. It feels weird to not set aside an entire post and dedicate it to him on this day that was so important to us, but it also feels like healing that I can post only one picture and not feel guilty about it. God is good.


Hazel's dedication is coming up! We're so excited and I can't wait to share pictures from the event.

Oh, and about Hazel's blankie, I wasn't kidding. A parting picture to make you chuckle.

I can't be who I was before.

Last year the baby memorial fell just two weeks after we lost Nathaniel, and it felt like perfect timing. We met several other couples who had lost little ones also, and felt the freedom to talk about Nathaniel openly, without worrying over making someone uncomfortable with our honesty and pain. It was a good experience.

So last night we headed back to Portland Adventist for the baby memorial. The group had at least doubled in size from last year. Again, it was good.

A few things stick out the most in my mind from last night, one of which was when someone said that everyone in that room was part of a crooked fraternity, where what we have in common is the death of a child. Too true. Even though every story of loss Nate and I heard last night was totally unique, each ended in the same way.

We lost Nathaniel just over a year ago - other people in that room lost their children as far back as 27 years or as recently as a few months ago. Whatever the case, each loss still felt fresh.

But that doesn't mean that we've been unhealthy and wallowing in grief - the reality is that we have a son, he's just not with us right now. Our daughter is coming, in one way or another, and very soon! She didn't stop moving during the entire service - Nate said that she must have known where we were and felt comfortable because that's where she'll be making her arrival in a few weeks. She was sharing her excitement with me, I suppose!

We were blessed by last night's service, by the roses and tiny feet pins, and by the remembrance tree and Nathaniel's name being said aloud. I know it must be scary for people to bring up Nathaniel by name to Nate or I, but in truth it is such a balm - the fact that others remember his existence means the world to us. True, you run the risk of tears on my part, but more likely than not they're from the pleasure you've given me by saying Nathaniel's name out loud.


"Somebody"

Somebody said it was all for the best,
That something was probably wrong.
Somebody said it was meant to be -
Different verse, same song.

Somebody said, "You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said, "It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.

Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors -
Somebody isn't a friend.

But somebody said, "I'm sorry,"
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand while I cried.

And somebody always listened
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never again be the same.

[Author unknown]


I was changed when Nathaniel died. As much as I might like to go back to when I didn't know what it meant to lose a baby, I can't. Something else that someone said last night echoed my heart closely when it comes to this: My new normal is in the here and now, with the reality that my baby died. As difficult as that is at times, I can live with that, but only because of my faith and the fact that I know I have all of eternity to get to know Nathaniel.

To our new friends, if you're reading this, blessings to you and we're praying for God's best in your life. And, Lorrie, thanks for making the 12 pounds of fudge - what a feat!

9.28.2008

Today was a different sort of day...I've been pretty emotional for the last couple weeks as we led up to September 28th, so, needless to say, I've been pretty up and down today! Personally, I can't believe it's been a year since we lost Nathaniel.

September 25th was an anniversary for us also - it was the day we checked into the hospital after finding out that he was 1) dying and then 2) had died. So this past Thursday was a tough day also, but then the days in between passed in sort of a blur. We spent September 25-28 at the hospital working to deliver Nathaniel last year, so they all sort of clump together in my mind as something remarkable and meaningful now. Who knows what next year will feel like!

Since being put on bed-rest, I've not been able to shop at New Seasons, which I must say I've missed. There are so many familiar faces there - such nice people that I've gotten to know over the last year. When we stopped by this morning, Amy was available to put together our bouquet (she helped us last year when we stopped in on our way to Nathaniel's funeral).


She did an amazing job! We stopped by the cemetery and placed the flowers on Nathaniel's grave. It was then that it really hit me that we're a family of four now. Even though he's gone and this baby hasn't been born yet, there are four of us in our family unit. Nathaniel's not here, but I know where to find him - this baby is biding her time until she's ready to come, but she's pretty easy to locate also...I felt a sense of calm and completeness as I thought about our family.


In case you can't read it, I'll type out what his stone says:

Be near me, Lord Jesus; I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever and love me I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
And fit us for Heaven to live with Thee there



We decided on using that on Nathaniel's stone after church last December - we had sung "Away in a Manger" and were touched by the final verse, so we used it!

I submitted an article to the Brief Encounters newsletter about the changes that have taken place in Nate's and my relationship over the last year and it was so timely - he read it this morning before we left the house. The last year has been incredible...It's hard to really explain how today felt and how we found our way through it. We've spent the evening watching movies and going through Nathaniel's photo album and memory book and just talking through some of our thoughts and what we've learned over the last year.




The last few days have been a strange walk down a lane filled with some tough memories. Where I was able to embrace and work my way through the situation we found ourselves in last September with a bit of humor, that was because I was overwhelmed and in emergency mode. This year was just a bit more raw (in a totally different way from last year), simply because it was an undesirable anniversary, one you'd never expect to find yourself processing. We had a lead-in to this anniversary (a full 365 days), so it wasn't as jarring as last year, but still...

So I'm rambling, but now I think I'll bring it to an end! Let me just say this, though: I feel just as blessed by my husband today as I did a year ago. God has been good to us!