By the way, I'm pregnant.

So last Friday night, I put Hazel to bed and left the house around 8:30pm to do some grocery store pricing. I had some coupons that I was looking forward to using and I wanted to figure out who had the best prices between Albertsons and Safeway before dragging Hazel to four stores with me the next morning.

One of the coupons I was most excited to use was one for Coffee-mate hazelnut creamer. It was $1 off, and I knew that Albertsons was coming out with a coupon that would double my one dollar, so I'd get two bucks off the store price. I found that Albertsons had both the 16oz. and 32oz. sizes of creamer (for some reason I can usually only find the 32oz. size)...and they were on sale. I would have to wait until Sunday to actually purchase the creamer, but it would end up costing me $.29 - ACK!

When I put together grocery shopping lists these days, I focus on what will feed Hazel lunch and provide dinner for Nate and I. Breakfast is pretty simple most days, and lunch for myself, well, let's not talk about that. I eat what's available (which speaks to the annoying extra pounds right now).

Because I have to focus on dinners and Hazel's lunch, my budget doesn't accommodate too many "pleasures" - Nate still gets his wine (the man works too hard not to be able to wind down at night) and coffee, but I've been by-passing some of the things I like best, creamer being one of those things that's fallen by the wayside. Needless to say, I was STOKED when I figured out I'd only have to pay $.29 for creamer!

Yesterday, when I picked Hazel up from Nate's parents' house, Karen reminded me that we still had a box of freezer items in their chest freezer. [This might seem like a tangent, but bear with me.] When Rae Ann moved to Baltimore, she unloaded an incredible amount of freezer food on us - and it's been amazingly long-lasting and wonderful. I should have asked for help pulling the box out of the bottom of the freezer; it had to weigh at least 60 pounds...

Even though my grocery budget has shrunk considerably the last six months, since being married to Nate I've always had one and worked within it. So last year during summer, when I wanted to make jam, I only made raspberry (with a few jars of marionberry jam also) - we couldn't buy strawberries to make my fave jam at the time, so I only made Nate's die-hard favorite.

I hefted that 60-pound box out of the chest freezer because I had to bring some reality to my soaring hopes: I had spotted three huge jars of strawberry jam tucked into it. I swear to you, this year's Christmas was yesterday. I hope you didn't miss it.

Whenever I woke up during the night last night, I would think fondly of the hazelnut creamer and raspberry jam waiting for me when it was time to get up. Most mornings I wake up when Hazel cries out and then I give her a little time to truly wake up (she's a bear otherwise). This morning I raced into her room as soon as I heard her and whisked her off to the kitchen for breakfast. Nate came down to say good morning (his office is upstairs in the attic if you didn't know...) while I was feeding the cat and dog and getting Hazel's breakfast made.

I popped my English muffin in the toaster and pulled the strawberry jam out of the fridge. Next I checked the coffee pot and there was about 3oz. of coffee left in it. I balked at that for a split second deep inside, but poured my cup anyway. I grabbed the creamer from the fridge and sensed a problem: It felt light. Like, not new. I opened the lid and there was no foil safety seal. I hollered my displeasure, thinking I had walked out of Albertsons with an opened creamer.

But in the off-chance that that's not what had happened, I asked Nate if he'd had any.

He had.

I wanted to cry.

Why?

Because I'm pregnant and that's what I do these days.

It's totally unreasonable, but I felt so disappointed. I had so anticipated the thought of opening that bottle for the first time and glorying in it's wonderfulness (and newness...and mine-ness). I didn't say anything to Nate about my feelings, though, but I did make sure he wasn't just teasing me, that he had in fact had some and that I had not left the store with an opened container.

Two minutes later I was praying that I would quit thinking about how disappointed I was. Nate was still talking about how much he'd also looked forward to having some of the creamer and how much he'd enjoyed it while drinking his coffee this morning, so I said if I'd known he liked it that much I would have bought the bigger bottle (the $.29 came from my change jar; the $2+ it would have cost to get the bigger bottle would have been supplied by my Mary Kay account -  you can understand why I went with the smaller size; plus, it's a pleasure not a staple). He said something along the lines, "Well the creamer is for both of us..." and I interrupted him, overcome by emotions.

"Is it?"

"Well, yeah!" he said with a small smile and a laugh, thinking I was kidding.

"Is it?" I said again with tears in my eyes and disappointment evident in my entire body.

"Oh..." he said and he grabbed me in a huge hug. He felt so bad. I told him I was happy to share with him, it's just that sometimes it's frustrating when there's no small pleasure that's just mine. He has his wine, and I'm jealous of the fact that it's his and his only. Whatever I bring home from the store, I usually assume someone else will be eating, either besides me altogether or in addition to me. Hazel wants everything I have, which is the nature of the parent/child relationship, so I can't escape that; Nate likes what I like, so nothing is sacred there either.

I will admit I cried this morning over my creamer. Sometimes these pregnancy hormones are all-consuming. At least I have a wonderful family to melt down in front of on those occasions. [Oh how I'd love to insert "rare" into that last thought...]