11.30.2008

It takes trust.

One of the things that I was NOT prepared for with having a baby is the amount of trust required to simply survive. I've been floored by my own mistrust of my body and my baby. Stemming from her jaundice lethargy, I don't trust her to tell me when she's hungry. She slept for five hours today and I worried over her for the last four. I don't trust my body to make enough milk for her - she was dehydrated, after all, and I had been consistently, faithfully feeding her.

It's been tough to trust myself after Hazel's birth, after getting stuck in labor and having an emergency cesarean. Deep down I feel that my body is perfectly capable of birthing a baby naturally, and someday I hope to be on that path. But for now I'm having to relearn trust - it's going to be a long process, I'm afraid! Although I'm praying for a quick miracle!

Hazel needs me to trust her to tell me when she's good and ready to eat, sleep, and be merry. I need to trust myself, that I am capable of meeting her needs. I need to trust God, that He's organizing and in control of Hazel's growth and my productivity.

Because she's a dear and I don't want to let her down!

8 comments:

Tyler's Mom said...

Oh how I remember those feelings!!! I'm going to give you a call in the next week or two to see if I can do anything to help. Trust yourself....you are her mama and you know her best. It took me a little bit to learn that and now it gives me such peace of mind. I'll admit, there have been times that I have been wrong but there are far more times I have been right. You are doing a beautiful job and I can hardly wait to meet her!!!

*FARMERS* said...

you can do it friend! you are going to do your best and that is all that can be expected of you...and from what i hear you are not at all alone in your feelings. just think you will be so much wiser by the time i have mine you can help get me through these times!! ;p

rae ann said...

i can't figure out where it comes from... this distrust of our bodies and our babies. we don't trust that they'll come out on time. we don't trust that our bodies can handle the labor and the pain. we don't trust that we can provide the nourishment that our bebe's need. we don't trust that our bebe's know what they need. we don't trust that people will understand. all of these things are so hard to hurdle over. and to suggest that you (and other new mom's) do just accept, is unrealistic. nonetheless, i so LONG for you to trust! you're a super fab mom and hazel is so obviously your girl. you two know each other. it's the getting comfortable with each other and trusting each other that takes time and it breeds worry in the mean time. i wish i could wash it all away for you and just give you peace. however, these are the moments that will connect the two of you and give you the foundation for a trusting relationship in her infancy. really, you're doing SO GREAT. your love for her is so evident and you two will float on soon. love you (and her... oh how i love her). xoxo

J.A.B. Davis said...

Congrats you guys. She is beautiful.
There isn't anyone on earth that is more suited to take care of Hazel than her parents...and I'm sure you guys will be/are great parents!!!
-Jeremy

Natti's Momma said...

Oh, Robin... what a beautiful girl! And what great, heartbreakingly honest thoughts! Everything Rae said, SPOT ON! I remember these feelings. Your words make so much sense. I remember calling my sister, the lactation consultant, Rae, telling adding, utterly beside myself SOBBING, certain that Natti was going to starve. Relax. It WILL all become so natural you'll forget how strange this all feels. You truly are a mommy. Love you!

Natti's Momma said...

** oops. "telling Adam", not "adding".

Elizabeth said...

Here's where I differ with the other comment-ers. You do learn trust and you do figure out your own parenting style and your kid's needs, but then the kids grow and change and you have to re-learn it again, re-learn to trust yourself that even though you've never raised anyone before, you do know what is best for your own child. I've found this especially true with John, because he has so many special needs and there are many, many opinions flying at me about what I should do for him. Go with your instincts and take your cues from Hazel and you can't go wrong.

I appreciate your wise thoughts Robin--you are obviously suited for mothering. (-:

By the way, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL!! I wish I could hold her in person and admire all that pretty hair. Good work! She's an answer to many prayers! (-:

Anonymous said...

Robin, your thoughts are so familiar. I look at pictures of my baby when she ended up under bili lights. She was such a scrawny little thing. Why did those nurses let me take her home when I clearly had no idea what I was doing? Then I accidentally clipped her fingernail AND her finger one day and I cried hysterically. What kind of a monster could do such a thing!? I was clearly incompetent as a mother. Guess What? She survived and 22 years later, she is a beautiful young woman. You will make mistakes because we all do. Just make sure you show up every day, do your best, forgive yourself, live a consistent life and LOVE HAZEL'S DADDY. God is teaching you something through this little angel that you could not have learned any other way. He has equipped you with everything you need to care for her. I wish I could tell you to QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF but I don't think you will take my advice. It is the New Mother Syndrome. Surround yourself with people who will encourage and lift you up. Keep posting photos. I want to watch this little girl (and you) grow. :)
Much love,
Lorrie